Isaac Ying, you should pick your Zen Friend
You know who we're talking about — the person who always has their head on straight, who can sound reasonable even in the most unreasonable of times, and who makes you calmer just by standing in the same room as you. Whether you've known them all your life or recently met them in yoga class, there's just something about this calming companion that made you realize from the very beginning you wanted them in your life.This highly evolved, kind, caring, and soothing sidekick has a contagiously peaceful presence. Their grounding influence and nurturing heart give you a spiritual boost you don't easily find with others. The two of you share an appreciation for individual expression that makes any time a perfect time to spend together. Ommm!
My views:
Hmm.. this is quite true to some extent?? A caring friend who accepts me for who i am, and not comment on what i'm not .. Who regards everybody as different but special in their own ways.. Who is very paitient , kind and slow to anger.. I know i can find such ppl out there.. =)
Ohter events:
About my involvement in crusade.. i'm already regarding myself as not a part of them anymore.. its almost as if i view myself as a total stranger to them..well but after following my postings for so long, you guys are probably wondering when am i ever gg to leave it.. i mean.. whats all this talk abt leaving if i'm not gg to leave in the end right? haha.. well, a few of them ask me to try out crusade for a few more weeks before thinking of leaving.. hahaha.. i've already done that man.. in fact, i've started doing that since this semester started, with no results..
its like i'm practically wasting my time inside it lah..
But well, there are things i really need to settle first.. like the upcoming Poly 50.. i can't just see my dream go down just because of crusade..
Things are getting so bad.. sometimes i wonder why do i even think of stepping into the crusade room or just hanging out with those crusaders..
This made me recall the lyrics of the song freedom fighters by the Christian band P.O.D.Freedom Fighters
Today I heard what them people say
Dem want to live free greedily, with everyone to pay.
You play under the sun while others fight and dies away
but I say if you don't like it this way, then why stay? Go away
Freedom Fighters
Ignite Jah
Freedom Fighters
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Ignite Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Shine Jah
Today I heard what them people say
Them say "The Man came in and he took our choice away"
You portray selfishness and hate
While some prepare to die today
I say you fade away, appreciate life and liberate
Freedom Fighters
Ignite Jah
Freedom Fighters
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Ignite Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Shine Jah
We have the right - to live in peace
and you must fight - for what you keep
If what you keep - holds truth inside
Stand up, defend - lay down and die
We have the right to live in peace
You must fight for what you keep
If what you keep holds truth inside
Stand up, defend, or lay down and die
Freedom Fighters
Ignite Jah
Freedom Fighters
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Ignite Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free
Jah say live free
Jah say die free
Live free, Jah say die free
Live free, Jah say be free
I and I, Live free
I and I, Die free
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Well, to summarise this lyrics, part of these lyrics basically flashedbacked into my mind while i was rethinking my involvement in crusade..
1. You play under the sun while others fight and dies away
but I say if you don't like it this way, then why stay? Go away
2. You must fight for what you keep
If what you keep holds truth inside
Stand up, defend, or lay down and die
So basically, i'm lost over what to do.. If i don't like it this way, i should be gg away.. But, i'll be losing out in the end.. i have been posting so much about this issue in my blog.. but i don't see what good it does.. i really should take action..
Poly 50 is starting soon on the 8th of july.. Well, the news abt poly 50 broke out quite a while back.. at least a month ago, and many of my poly friends from other cca's have been training hard for it. But, my cca only broke news of the event recently.. And the worst thing besides not having sufficient time to train is.. i can forsee that MOST , if not all of the ppl gg to participate are gg to be the freshy's and leaders.. the leaders are made compulsory to attend tht event. And well, the teams are gg to be formed based on favourtism?? Well, i'm defintely sure that the leaders will be placed in groups first.. the other non-leaders will be secondary.. I mean.. this is so wrong.. But, the welfare of the leaders always seem to be first.. The others are just "liabilities" in that shrinking organisation..
Well, i wanted to join a team.. but i was removed coz they said they had sufficient ppl inside.. Well i was really pressured to make my decision to join Poly 50.. but now that i am out of the team, i have more time to rethink my decision..
I keep telling myself.. why should i go when the turnout will be so expected.. What good will it do when i wasn't informed earlier and given sufficient time to train? Why should i go when i will be second rate to the rest??
But, there's another side thts pulling hard at me.. Ever since i was in year 1 in Sp, i alays wanted to go to Poly 50.. It sounded like a big thing to me and it was like one of my "dreams"..
When i was a Crusader back then(I really don't regard myself as one now), i could see the phtograph of the Poly 50 event in which the Crusade participated in during 2004.. Back then, the Crusade strength was so good.. That pic actually "inspired" me to want to take part in that event..
But well, now.. i realised that there is more than meets the eye.. if that pic was to be taken again of Crusade, i don't think we will be seeing such a wonderful ministry that was pictured inside that old photograph.. Instead, we will just be seeing freshy's and leaders..
I keep asking myself why should i go and let myself be hurt further in that organisation.. i am so hurt by so many things inside it.. All the dissapointments just made me want to cry in silence..
But if i do not go, then it means that i am forsaking my "dream"..
WHY HAS SO MANY PPL INSIDE SPCCC CHANGED SO MUCH!! WHY ARE THEY JUST NOT THE PPL I KNEW THEM TO BE IN YEAR ONE!! WHY ARE THE WRONG MESSAGES KEPT BEING DISPLAYED TO ME!!! WHY ARE THE REST OF THE CRUSADERS BEING TREATED AS SECOND-RATE!! WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!
As long as you love me - Backstreet boys??
Although loneliness has
always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind
is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me
Every little thing that you
have said and done
Feels like it's deep within me
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run
It seems like we're meant to be
I don't care who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
What you did
As long as you love me
(I don't know)
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me (yeah)
I've tried to hide it
so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where
you're comin from
I don't care, as
long as you love me, baby
I don't care who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
What you did
As long as you love me
(as long as you love me)
Who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
Don't care what you did
(yeah)
As long as you love me
(as long as you love me)
Who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
As long as you love me
Who you are
As long as you love me
What you did
(I don't care)
As long as you love me
I'm just so dissapointed..
Well, i was searching thru blogs of my former sec sch bbss.. Going thru the various links.. And, it really SADDENED me that in the blogs of those ppl who had hurt me in some way or another during my sec sch life, they had links to thes other blogs.. Not just any other blogs, mind you.. but blogs belonging to their friends who are Christians..
And when i browse through those blogs, i see proclmations of their strong faith everywhere..
Like.. Love: Family, Jesus, School.. etc..etc.
Or.. Goals in life: To be a Christian Leader.. To excel in Studies..
Things like that..
Also, some of these blogs belong to ppl from my church.. This really dealt a crushing blow onto my spirit.. I was so upset and distressed.. I mean, they chose not to accept a Christian but accepted other Christians.. And the worse part was, i was misunderstood most of the time in my sec sch life..
But well, i'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces and basically forget.. I keep telling myself to move on.. to look for the greener pastures ahead.. But memories of my past.. those things that have left the deep emotional scar in me are never forgotten..
I have already forgiven those that have trespassed against me in some way.. But, it just hurts whenever i think back about the past.. How Christians did not even stand up for their own faith.. How they let another Christian Brother get trampled upon by the world..
--to be continued--
Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One Lyrics
Album: Gotta Get Thru This
If you're not the one
then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one
then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine
then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine
would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one
I share my life with
I don't want to run away
but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you
then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that
I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you
then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you
then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me
then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me
then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why your'e so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I dont want to run away but I can't take it, I
don't understand
If I'm not made for you
then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong
that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for
the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then
why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms
Many ppl have said that waiting is the right choice.. but i am slowly destroying myself by waiting.. i really need God to release me from these stronghold in my life.. I still have many things that i wish to do and i hope that this doesn't interfere with my pursuits.. But, i know that i many never find another similar person anymore.. I'm just so lost and stressed over what to do.. Father pls help me.. I rest everything into your loving hands.. Deliver me from these problem in my life. Help me to forget until the time is right. Tell me if she is the one..
They say.. if you love someone.. tell them.. because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken.. But, some Christian brothers that i had made frens with (all 21+ years old) have been telling me that its better to get to know the person better first before telling as the situation won't be so awkward that way.. Some said that in a Christian point of view.. no person who loves God would want to have relationships so early in life. Others have told me not to miss this opportunity as if i do, then i would have the answer the "What If?" question for the rest of my life...just because i chose to run away.. Others have given many good pieces of advice.. Some said to write down all the things i would wish to see in a special someone and then pray about it to God.. Others have gone straight to the point and asked me what are the things i like in that person.. Well, i'm not the kind of person who prefers external beauty.. I believe that its whats on the inside that counts.. Many ppl keep going around saying that they are handsome.. they are so pretty etx.. *vomits* And the worse thing is that some of these ppl are Christians!! Why would they want to go about telling ppl this?? I believe that if you are blessed with looks etc, then fine.. Be thankful and all.. But pls don't go ard boasting etc!! Also my new found Christian brothers have asked if i wanted to find just a girlfriend or a wife.. Well, obviously its not a short-term relationship but a long-term one, centered on God.. I know one thing is for sure.. I need to be paitient and wait for God to give me a sign.. Well, a Christ centered relationship has many things needed to satisfy.. And, in the bible.. it clearly describes truly what love is.. And, i am willing to satisfy all this requirements..
Hey Guys. i'm finally back from Germany!! Well, i was back on tuesday night though.. haha.. i just didn't have the time to blog it down.. Too many projects and assignments to settle.. haha..Well, i am actually getting down to write abt my trip to Paris and Germany.. Trust me, it will be an enjoyable experience reading it.!! =) I will be including quite alot of pics and movie clips.. Well, once again, i do not have the time as i am now studying like mad to prepare for my MST'S that will be coming after my study break.. I hardly studied while overseas!!
Well, to summarise my trip, i would say that Paris wasn't quite good.. its not worth visiting.. well, its becoming increasingly polluted and its ppl are becoming more reckless.. i will explain more of this some other time.. =) Well, Germany is more technologically advanced.. Also, its much better in cleaniness and hygiene!! (Two Thumbs Up!!)
But, there's one thing common about Europe, everything is expensive!! You will be shocked when i show you guys a bit of small facts about what i learnt during my trip!!
Facts & Trivia:
1. Did you know that there is NOT A SINGLE delifrance outlet in the whole of France?
Reason: Almost ever other deli in France is basically selling the same thing as what Delifrance does. Same quality too. If Delifrance was to base itself in France, i don't think it would have survived as it would have probably been more expensive due to its brand name marketing.
My views: I couldn't believe it at first, when my family's German friends told us about it. But, its so true. While in Paris, i was on the lookout for famous Paris buisness ventures such as Delifrance and Carrefour. Well, i did find Carrefour, but i did not even see a single trace of Delifrance in Paris!! I guess Delifrance was set up by groups of French buisnessmen to promote frecnch food culture.
Misleading things about it: Delifrance sometimes puts up wallpapers in its eatieries with scenes of French eating breakfast inside it and it sometimes include famous icons of Paris such as the effiel tower. This is not true but it gives us a wrong impression of what Paris is like. Also,although the main thing we rememberabout French food is bread.. thanks to Delifrance, France has only a few selections of bread!! Its Germany, its neighbour that has the worlds most numbe rof bread!! 500+ types!! Delifrance, BEAT THAT!! And France, on the other hand, has over 500+ types of cheese!! But, where are all the cheese in Delifrance?? =(
1. Did you know that the double pyramids (The big glass one that is inverted and the small wooden one) that were featured in the Da-Vinci Code Movie and said to be in the Lourve musuem are actually NOT INSIDE the musuem??
Reason: When Dan Brown wrote the Da-Vinci Code book, he distorted quite a lot of facts. A big example, he claimed that the no of glass pieces used to form the main pyramid outside the lourve musuem as 666 pieces. But, when one peson from the lourve went to count, he found 700+ pieces? Not sure the exact amout. =P But, i do know that it featured in the Straits times.
My views: During my second day in Paris, i went to the lourve musuem, but i was quite dissapointed that i couldn' find the double pyramids anywhere in the musuem. But on my 3rd day when i took a metro (the city's train) to the musuem, i stepped out of the metro and into a Virgin Megastore and guess what i saw?? The pyramids!! They were inside a shopping belt leading to the musuem!! To get to the musuem, you really need to do some walking!!
Misleading things about it: The movie has distorted much of Paris's city skyline to suit the book. Thats why, many French were very angry with Dan Brown for creating so many descrepencies regarding the streets in Paris. The streets where he wrote Sophie Neveau and Robert Langdon moving into to escape the police were all changed. In other words, you can be in a place like boon lay at one monent, and minutes later you suddenly appear in Pasir Ris! Thats why, when watching the film, you just don't see the flow when they are running away from their pursuers.
--to be continued--
Hey.. this is a photo of me taken just today for my project. Well, i don't really go to take front view shots of myself, but this is like so cool lah.. =P
Lyrics by Casting Crowns..
I feel this reflects my current state of life right now.. i'm just a flower quickly fading.. here today and gone tml.. a wave tossed in the ocean, vapor in the wind..Who Am I
by Casting Crowns
album: Casting Crowns (2003)
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Alright.. its just one more day till that spcial moment!! Yes!! The trip overseas!! I can't wait!! I've been preparing so many things while completing my e-learning and studying+ meeting up with frens etc.. Also i feel sick this week.. Its amazing how God managed my time such that i hardly wasted any moment.. With 10 days of my 3 week study break gone, i really need to do some serious mugging.. Gosh.. =(
Well, the flight over to paris is ard 17 hours long?? Or so i overheard from my parents and my bro.. i'm just too busy to keep myself informed abt such things.. Well, the plane is also gg to stop twice in Sri Lanka and Dubai for refuels etc.. Hmm.. technically, it means that i would have visited Sri Lanka and Dubai as well.. Haha.. Lets see if i can buy any souveniers from their airports.. =P i hope they except american dollars as i don't think is worth the hastle changing the currency just to buy souveniers as this 2 stopovers..
Well, the flight leaves ard evening to midnight tml.. Haven't really bothered to find out.. but, the plane would reach Paris in the morn? Thats a long time!! And, from what my younger brother said, the jet lag we will be facing will be quite alot!! Imagine 10 hrs behind our time?? So this would mean that it is supposed to be early morning in Singapore when we land, but it is just ard midnight in Paris.. I'm not really sure if i'm correct, but i think its sth like this.. I hope i'm right.. =)
Well after the 3 days in Paris, we're gg to take a night train to Germany. If you haven't already realised, the reason why we didn't fly directly to Germany was because every single flight to Germany ard this period was already booked.. The reason is so obvious.. its the World Cup Season.. We couldn't even book a train the the day as it is very packed!! Oh man!! A train at night!! What a waste of good scenery.. =(
Well, gg on this trip has some pros and cons..
Pros : As the people in Germany wish to sell a favourable german image to tourists and visitors which are coming mostly due to the World Cup hype, i feel that racism should not be rampant there.. hmm.. even the straits times had interviews of germans who were quite positive about the World Cup not only becuase it helped boost sales and generate profit but also because it gave a chance for Germany to let the World take home a favourable image of Germany.. Well, the last Olympics that Germany hosted did not go quite well due to the terrorist attack that took place by a palestinian grop called Black September? In which 11 israeli athelets were murdered? Hmm.. Not really sure about the details but this is what i got from reading th Straits times a few weeks back.. Reading the newspapers regularly pays off.. =)
Okay.. i'm not gg to go in depth into what i'm gg to do during my trip as i don't wish you guys to get envious or anything.. Basically, i wasn't too keen on this trip but as my mum had booked the tickets without first asking me i chose to go as i was reluctant to forfiet the deposits that my parents had payed.. My mum was also quite supportive with the option of me staying behind in Singapre to catch up on my studies but i stood firm.. Even if i had to sacrifice 10 days of my studies, i would rather study harder before and after my trip than to waste the money gg there.. Also, i didn't see why my brother could enjoy gg to such nice places at such a young age and i could not.. sibling rivalry is at definitely work here.. =P
But well, i can't really see how i am able to study while being on the trip.. I mean who in the right mind would want to waste time in this kind of trip studying away when they could have been gg to some tourist attraction and having fun? Haha.. thats sort of my thinking.. I mean, every single hour spent during the trip is precious.. =) That would also mean sacrificing sleep just to be up early to visit the tourist attractions asap.. Well, i've already prepared all my lecture slides, practicals and tutorials in my laptop for the trip. All, all i need is self-control to actually devote some time to study.. Hey, i have an electronic bible installed in my laptop too!! Cool.. i can do "quiet time" during this trip!! Hmm.. apart from the long plane flights, i don't see how i can actually devote enough time to study..
Haixx.. i stil have quite a bit of projects that are nearing their deadlines.. but i know that i should not worry.. for the Lord will provide constantly for me.. I need to draw strength from him and work according to him.. =)
Well, i will definitely miss Singapore.. sigh.. and that camp in Crusade.. sigh..
-- to be continued--
Well, yupz.. like my posting title states.. i'm gg overseas real soon.. 2 more days!! Friday morn i'm gg already.. Wow.. talk abt time passing so fast.. But, i did manage my time wisely.. Hey i have to!! 10 days of study have been erased from my 3 week term break!! Arrgghhh!!
Here's an overview of what's to happen after my term break:
- Assignments to submit..
- MST's to undertake..
- More sch once again..
But, that does not mean that my time is always spent on all work and no play..
DISCLAIMER 1: The postings below are quite controversial and the writer is not claiming that they are 100% correct , unbiased and properly researched. The writer does not wish to be held responsible in any way for the postings that follow.. As such, pls take note that you are reading at your own risk. This postings are not meant to stumble any one in faith or used as debatable topics to challenge authority but are just meant by the writer to be a recollection of the things he has experienced. ( Please note that the writer does not have a habit of editing/deleting postings that he has written in the past..)
Well, i've been trying to find out lately about the Crusade system.. or what i wish to call it as.. i'm no sure what name u guys call it.. but, it always has the usual passing down of leadership or sth.. And i found out that many things were not really good..
Hey, i may not give an expert or unbiased opinion on certain matters in Crusade, but, here's things as i see it.. and well, its up for the individual to decide for himself whats right and whats wrong.. Basically, i'm practising my freedom of speech.. Controversial or not, it does not matter..This is my blog man.. not some forum or yahoo grps..
1 - A Crusade told me that being too active or involved Crusade acually affected many Crusader's studies..
I wasn't too sure abt it, so i went out to investigate.. (To all Crusaders pls take note that even if i don't join the crowds etc.. i do know quite a bit abt whats gg on in this ministry.. things that even the leaders don't really notice.. i'm not blind you know..) Enough said. i shall now present my findings..
Results:
Its true.. Many Crusaders put Crusade first over their school work and studies.. It doesn't take an idiot to know that they are always busy rushing assignments or doing work long hours after school.. just try to observe abit here and there, and you'll get what i mean..
I mean.. lets take lets take the e-learning week as an example.. Who puts off e-learning till the 3rd or 4th day just because of Crusade work?? This is crazy man.. There HAS got o be a fine line between Cusade and your academic life.. basically, your whole future.. And, why do "Crusaders" who are supposed to be good living testimonies to all others saying so openly that e-learning is stupid.. Something is definitely very wrong here..
Arguments:
If you feel like proving me wrong here, by all means, go ahead.. Cause, if any one claims that this is wrong, then i suppose its also alright for us just to go the current freshies in Crusade and encourage them to skip lessons?
2 - More Crusaders are starting to feel very left out in Crusade..
Well, basically, even if i were accepted in Crusade, this question will still make its way into this posting sooner or later.. You just can't escape from the truth, even though it hurts.. And well, i did share my feelings to a few Crusaders whom were not leaders.. (they will definitely understand me better.. i don't like biased views from leaders..) And this is what i found out..
Results:
The answer is yes.. Many Crusaders do feel left out.. Even if they are approached to join the main grp in Crusade, i don't think it helps at all.. You see, the problem is that there's really nth much to talk abt at all!!
Just imagine how you would feel if you were asked to join the main grp and everyone goes laughing away and joking around and you feel that you are hardly apart of them..
Also, many of those hardly know those active Crusaders anymore!! (When i say know a person, i don't mean knowing him only an aquaintance..) I mean knowing him /her enough that they can be considered friends.. You know what i mean..
Once, i was quite okay with my batch of Crusaders. but gradually, i just faded away as just another member in Crusade.. Striking a conversation with the leaders doesn't help as its so evident that i now hardly know them at all!!
Arguments:
Once again, it takes a non-leader to understand how we feel.. Leaders may try to say that all this are false accusations, but please.. i've seen how close knit you guys are.. and its inevitable that you guys will become closer to each other..
3 - Leadership is not based on the persons skills but a persons relationship with God and how he interacts with ppl..
Well, when i first heard this, i wasn;t quite redy to accept it.. I kept telling myself that Leadership in Crusade was different from other CCA'S as its leaders were chosen by God etc.. But in the end, i found out something quite controversial.. i may not chose to support this either, but i need to present both sides of the argument..
Results:
How many times have the "popular" Crusader leaders been recommending ppl to serve in the ministry? This is likely to be a trap that the Crusade is following But sadly, i feel its still happening in Crusade.. But the thing is, the "popular" Crusaders recommendations are.. you guessed it.. those who keep hugging close to them and have shown themselves to be capable in someway.. Well, after doing the simple tasks assigned to them, yet again they prove themselves to be more capable and are given more tasks.. etc.. and this goes on.. but, think abt it.. isn't politics at work here??
Leaders are supposed to be chosen by God not by politics.. Also, what if those Crusaders do no like a certain person for whatever reason, even though he/she is capable enough.. Won't they be filtering and become biased?? When the Crusader's, as freshmen, attend all its activites regularly and also help out int he 25th hour annual camp, what is in their minds? Maybe they really wish to work for God.. But somehow or another, ppl up there will be busy choosing leaders based on this camp!! Although i was "challenged" (i don't like this word at all in Crusade.. it sounds so fake.. actually its just asking a person to take a certain role..you see, if there were only 10 freshmen in Crusade and there were like exactly 10 positions to be filled, then the word challenge is basically asking them to fill this roles..and if they refuse in some way or another, then we would most probably ask why and say its god's calling to serve in the ministry etc. but the fact is, aren't we just wanting those positions filled??) to be part of the 25th hr camp commitee, i did not do so as i felt that my reasons for being in tht committee wasn't right.. but who knew that being in the 25th hr camp committee was actually a good way to show how capable you are etc? And even if u don't accept a role in Crusade, when ppl ask you to recommend a person to take over, would we actually choose based on their relation with God? Or do we look into how close those ppl are to us and their skill? Hey, it does not mean that you are ultra good in prayer than you will be tops.. Its about your willingness to learn even if you may not be the best!!
Also, what if a person just chooses to put up a false front while attending Crusade just so that he/she can secure a place in leadership?? Won't he be faking his/her relationship with God? Christian like is supposed to be full of tribulations.. I don't think its normal if a person is always good with his relation with God etc.. Also, its also bad if the Crusaders keep lamenting about how stressed they are etc.. no time to do this.. no time to do that.. in frnt of ppl.. i mean this things will surely happen once you choose to serve.. We all had a choice, even though i feel it isn't much.. and well, there isn't much pressure for a person to serve in Crusade.. unless, the "challenged" to serve part in Crusade is actually quite forceful.. which i don't think it is.. But, with no freshy's willing to serve, Crusade will be nth.. Correct me if i;m wrong, but the freshys are already being "observed" to see who will be leaders in the future.. Actually, i feel that most of them will become leaders.. thts beause this year's batch of freshys aren't really alot.. well, its good that way.. they will never feel left out in Crusade..
Ok, this part of my posting might seem a bit far fetched. but i still have 2 stands to this issue even after pondering for quite some time.. i haven't come to a conclusion yet so don't come tlking to me abt this.. i can't give an ans..
Argument 1:
Well, not only through this camp, but there are many things the leaders have done that have won them praise from other Crusaders.. And, this will only add more prove that they are capable for their roles etc..But, like the question had said.. In Crusade, leadership was never meant to be chosen based on a person's skill.. It never meant that if are a better, more powerful evangelist etc than you are fit for bigger roles.. But, if this is the case, then why are so many Crusader's stereotyping and keep having this wrong mindset?? Or is it really true that he leadership is chosen based on a person's skill? Well, does leadership corrupt? I hope not..
Arguments 2:
But however, the Crusaders have nth to gain as a leader.. only more stress and less time to socialse or have a normal poly life. They need to tackle both Crusade and Sch work.. Thats a BIG commitment.. Also, the Leaders will not take home any CCA points AT ALL during their time serving.. f this was so, their time could have been spent elsewhere in other CCA'S where their futures would be brighter.. But,they choose to sacrifice everything to follow God's command and do his work.. So its only natural that they draw closer to each other as they endure hardships etc together as one..
4 - Crusade focuses too much on evangelism and too little in the building part of the "Win, Build Send" motto in Crusade..
Well, honestly speaking i feel that this is also quite impt..
Results:
Crusade might be seen as an Organisation that is meant to win souls for Christ.. But the one question is.. Just how effective is it? Hmm.. now thts something to ponder abt.. Well, lets take a look at what Crusade is currently doing in evangelism.. Lets see.. we are always open to Crusaders bringing frens to Crusade.. Hmm.. we have a weekly Campus Life Meeting where frens are also invited to come.. We have prayers every week and we also have harvest days.. Not to mention the rare street evangelism events..
But, lets take a step back from all this events and sidetrack a little.. Bringing frens to Crusade, whether its through Crusade events or the Campus Life meeting.. Just how effective is it.. Well, for non-Christians, its generally uneffective.. Why? Cause during such events, yes.. we go about introducing ouselves to them etc..
But do we actually make an effort to make the feel welcome in our ministry?? If we were that warm, why are Crusaders dropping out of Crusade bcuase they do not feel welcome.. Ok, maybe not all drop out based on this reason, but do we, as Crusaders even bother to find out why they wish to leave Crusade? Or do we just continue in Crusade as if nothing has happened.. Or, worse still, we are only concerned if those ppl who left are our contacts or are close to us.. If it were another Crusader's fren, we would just close one eye..
Hey ppl.. WAKE UP.. An opportunity for a soul to be saved from enternal death, and you ppl just missed it!! This is something you ppl shld be concerned abt!! Not just some stupid bonding with each other and forgetting abt the welfare of other Brothers and Sisters..
Ok.. harvest day and street evangelism.. A good move to win souls for Christ? Or a total waste of time? Well, first lets ans this question.. How many Crusaders actually follow-up with the ppl they evangelise with? I know i hardly do.. and my follow-up slips are just stashed into my bag and forgotten.. Well.. yes.. i have seen Crusaders who actually follow-up with their contacts.. but the rest? Are we given training on how to follow-up in the first place? Its always evangelism this.. evagelism that. its what Crusade is all abt yeah? That motto that Crusade adopted for all its ministries internationally.. "So tht every student knows someone who truly follows Jesus.."
Well, Evangelising is one thing.. Following up and building up the person is another.. Or else, we will be creating backslidders and we are back to sqaure one.. no.. we are even worse form where we started.. that person who backslidded now does not wish to hear anymore abt the Gosepl.. But , like what my pastor said, which i strongly agree.. is that the 4sl's that the Crusade has been using is flawed.. Yes, we can win ppl to Christ.. But how many backslidders do we create also? In Crusade, we are always presented with numbers.. They may look good, but negative figures are not publicised.. The 4sl's basically has one big flaw that the person who talked abt hell's best kept secret was referring to.. That when we evangelsie,, we keep telling the pre-believer abt the amazing pan tht God has and all the good stuff that they will get onc ethey recieve Jesus Christ.. But, they don't tell abt the tribulations ppl will face once becoming a Christian.. So , wehn trouble comes, they will flee..
Arguments:
Obviously, if you are in a close knit grp in Crusade, its hard to actually realise that Crusade is falling apart slowly in attendance.. Being in our own comfort zone makes you soft.. So basically, only a non active can give a more unbiased view of things in Crusade.. ths bcoz he/she knows the reason why he/she isn't active in Crusade.. But, i have had a friend who did actually leave becoz he didn' feel warm in Crusade.. As for the 4sl issue, i think its best to check out hell's best kept secret on the web and decide for yourself..
Well, like i have said.. its all up to the reader to decide fact from fiction.. the truth can only be found out there.. so well, you just have to be observant and you'll know fact from fiction.. (Hey, i'm starting to sound like Dan Brown when he wrote the Davi-Ci Code..) Is that good or bad? =(
DISCLAIMER 2: The postings above have been quite controversial and the writer is not claiming that they are 100% correct , unbiased and properly researched. As you have read them at your own risk, pls take note that the writer does not wish to be held responsible in any way for the postings written.. This postings were never meant to stumble anyone in faith or used as debatable topics to challenge authority but are just meant by the writer to be a recollection of the things he has experienced. (Please note that the writer does not have a habit of editing/deleting postings that he has written in the past..)
Hey guys.. today was an amazing day!! Well, i was with my church.. Church of Singapore (Bkt Timah) and we went to the national stadium, (the outdoor one) to help pack the event goodie bags for the ----> GLOBAL DAY OF PRAYER.. During CLM..when i was still trying to talk to those beside me even though the crusaders have quietened down.. and some of those leaders beside me will ask me to quieten down.. by saying.. "shhhh..." What i can't accept ----> But, i have seen instances when the leaders themselves keep talking during CLM.. and, who asks them to keep quiet?? No one!! I DON'T EVEN DARE to ask them to quieten down!! Its almost as if its their right to do so.. Why?? I'm starting to feel that i'm in a much lower position than them!! I feel that I'm just back to being just another Christian who can choose to come or not for Crusade.. Back to square one when i started off as a Crusader in year 1.. The leaders are still continually always being praised and encouraged for their leadership qualities.. etc.. and the rest us are forgotten.. Isn't this normal for us.. How many Crusaders that weren't too active have been taken out of the picture? Is it their fault that they weren't too active? Maybe its because they do not need to be so active because they do not have leadership roles? But when they do come back, suddenly it just seems that they will be left out.. I don't mind tolerating this unhealthy cliques for a while longer.. i HATE it when the Crusade has to suffer because of this cliques!!
Well, to cut a long story short, we basically went about putting all the cookies.. event booklets.. water bottles and the diff country flags into the event plastic bags..
Alright.. well.. its sad to say.. but during the whole day.. i still kept thinking of that person.. it just won't stop!!
Ok, lets sidetrack a little.. The Global Day Of Prayer saw a large attendance turning out.. the biggest for a christian event ever since the festival of praise last year..
Well, as my church made their way back from the macdonald's near-by, where we were all resting after a hard days work packing the goody bags, we saw huge crowds entering the stadium.. I was so touched when i saw our bags being taken by others.. Our efforts had clearly made a very big impact in helping make the event a success..
And when my Church's youth group made their way to seat, i could see the tamil section near-by.. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of Christian Indian's turning up for the event.. I was very touched by how God's grace has even managed to reach the other races , so much that i almost went into tears..
Well, during the event, my heart just wasn't giving its all the God.. I kept looking around at the Christians entering the stadium to see if i knew any of them.. I just kept looking around aimlessly during worship even though my mind screamed at me to have focus on God alone..
It can be so hard to place God at the number 1 in my life.. When i decided to go packing to event bags with my church, i certainly did not do it for the correct reasons.. I kept thinking that since there would be Christians from other Churches present to help in the packing, i could mingle with them and make friends.. I know its totally wrong, and i regret having such a reason for going to help pack the bags..
Whenever ppl talk to me or are around me, they do not realise that deep down inside me, i'm having a huge struggle in my life.. There are many times where i feel like giving up.. Where i just feel that its pointless to move on and its best to let go.. i feel that this is my way of escaping from problems that i cannot solve..
During the Global Day Of Prayer, as we were praying for many things found inside the given booklets, i found thst many of the prayers were quite relevant and really reflected my current state of life..
We confessed on many things.. and some of these are just what i am truly facing..
1. Sin of Self Conceit..
2.Sin of Pride..
3.Sin of Ingratitude..
4.Sin of prejudice..
5.Sin of injustice..
6.Sin of carnality..
7..Sin of Immorality..
I'm sorry God.. Many times i just did not wish to accept that thse are Sins and i just kept continuing them, till it hurt others.. Pls forgive me..
06/06/06
Also, i'm starting to fall sick once again.. My cough is coming back and its very bad.. I will keep coughing and my throat hurts very badly..Also, i am having the flu..keep snezzing and can u belive that you can actually sneeze blood? amazing..The weird thing was that my sickness became its worst on 06/06/06.. hmm a coincidence? or am i just being too superstitious.. anyways, no connection..hmm.. Remember my past postings last semester when i talked about how i fell sick? Its exactly the symptoms.. Well, everytime i step out of the house, i will just feel so depressed..(this has nth to do with my sickness..) like why am i still carrying on my daily activities.. I will walk out with a heavy heart..with no direction.. At times, i will just go to one corner away from the crowds and sigh.. I'm just suffering in silence.. I really hope someone can help me through this difficult time..
I'm just wondering how i can be well enough to go on my trip overseas, when i'm still suffering inside.. Its just a few more days before i'll be away.. I'll be missing lots of things during those ten days.. Camps.. Church.. Projects.. Studies.. etc.. etc..
But, the one thing that i regret not being able to make it to is my Campus Crusade camp during the 14th and 15th.. I'm already a fading presence in Crusade.. Will i fade out from Crusade even more? Will the leaders continue to be closer to the freshmen and ultimately form even more cliques? Will all my efforts in trying to draw every single Crusader together as one body in christ be wasted??
It just seems that way.. Its inevitable that the leaders will continue to be closer to each other.. And what will become of Crusaders like me, who have tried so hard to socialise and keep the Crusade united??
Are we just treated as liabilities??
Why do some of the leaders keep displaying these messages to us subconciously everytime we are attending Crusade activities?
Don't they know thatwhat they are doing hurts? Isn't it about time that they realised it already??
But, does the Crusade as a whole want history to repeat itself again, where all the freshy's will just keep hugging to the "popular" Crusaders, and forget totally about the rest?
Will Crusade become a ministry that has the majority of its members leaders alone?
I mean.. all the things i have worked for.. its all beggining to fade away.. We need more ppl who choose to have intentional loving in Crusade..
Are the leaders just planning activites for themselves??
I am so confused.. I am so hurt everytime i am with the Crusade nowadays.. Many times i keep telling myself to leave the Crusade, but i realised that it was mostly because i wanted to escape from these problems that i am facing.. Honestly, i just do not know what to do!!
Abba father.. pls direct me in the way you choose best.. I am but your humble servant.. Pls guide me through these difficult times and deliver me from the troubles plaguing my life.. Grant me freedom as a Christian, that i will not continue to serve many masters, but you alone.. Help me place my trust in you, and not people and other worldy things.. Lead me as you know best.. Amen..
Guys.. if you have anything to say abt my postings, do tag it.. it would be great if i can keep track of who has read this posting and also give me a chance to follow up with you.. =) thx!!
..to be continued..
Recently, things have taken a turn in my life.. Even though i have now decided not to be active in Crusade anymore, it was not a decision that i think i will live to regret.. Well, at the beggining, i thought my faith would most likely be compromised and it was likely i could stumble..
But it turned out that the opposite happened.. I drew even more strength from God and i started relying on him more than just the usual "advice" that i would take from the Crusaders.. I let God lead my actions, my thoughts.. my life.. I even realised my purpose in life as a Christian betterm when i found more free time to build up friendships with my coursemates leading to the sharing of the Gospel..
Some have even expressed interest in receving Christ!! All these could not have been done if God had not been there for me!! Well, i feel that i am also becomingmore ncouraging to all my DIT Christian coursemates.. Just a few months back, i felt that my course had lost all hope of salvation.. The Christians in m course were all facing burnout and were far too stressed and busy to even try sharing the gospel..Many of us started following our other coursemates and soon the message we were sent by God to spread was totally lost..
I almost lost all hope when none of the Crusaders from our DIT course made it as ST'S or SM'S.. i kept having the feeling that my DIT coursemates were doomed.. There wasn't a Christian in my course that was taking the first steps in evangelising, something that i haven't been doing for a long time the past 2 sems..
And well, we all needed a Christian that dared to boldly spread the word to our coursemates.. Someone whom which we could all be encouraged by and hopefully follow by example.. Someone who could help start a movement in our course.. and tell the world about the greatest love that anyone could ever know..
I never realised hat i would be the one to start the movement.. i can see the results happening now. A few Christians in my course who were not active in their churches have now joined cellgrps after i talked to them abt their purpose as Christians, and i'm so happy to say that they are becoming more active in their church, even gg for bible studies organised by their church..
Their actions are also following God.. They are also learning to trust God more!! Praise the Lord..
Before, it might have seemed very taboo to spread the gospel to our friends, but now, i think more of us are unafraid to do so.. Even the attitudes of many Christian coursemates towards life have changed drastically!! No longer are they following the world blindly, but they are now having their own stand!! They are also ever-ready to defend the gospel!!! ITS AMAZING WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE in my course!! And all it took was to have faith and keep trusting in him!!
Well, i'm now thinking of taking more bold steps.. I am now thinking of doing what might have seemed wishful thinking 2 semesters ago, when i first started poly.. Regular prayers for our couse mates, and ------> bible study grps.. Ok, it may still not be possible now, but, you never know what God is gg to do for our course.. He has made me unafraid to speak boldly about his name to my coursmates.. and, i'm sure he can do even more!!
On a more serious note, lately, i have been soucing out other Crusader's blogs online.. Well, i'm not referring to those Crusaders who have blogs that are constantly updated.. I'm referring to those Crusaders who have blogs all over the web.. Some of their blogs only contain a posting or two.. and then, they are left to collect dust.. Yes, i have been searching around constantly and i am totally SHOCKED when i read all the postings.. I have never realised how much hurt or pain tha they may have gone through, but do not show when we see each other in the crusade room or during crusade events.. I have found many of such blogs and after reading their postings, i am beggining to understand them much better now.. Well, if any of you ppl are reading my posting right now, pls don't go to your blogs and delete your postings immediately.. thats not the point!! It won't solve anything!! You guys created your short entires in those blogs for purpose right? Well, i think its great if our personal hurts get shared with everyone and not letting them bottled up and tightly sealed.. Remember, we are always here as a united family.. brothers and sisters in Christ.. Amen.. =)
Well, i really hope that you guys will share more.. not that i'm curious or whatsoever, but i feel that it helps as a form of release.. It works very well for me.. Remember that you guys do not need to suffer alone.. We're there to encourage each other.. =)
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Isaac Ying, you should pick your Zen Friend
You know who we're talking about — the person who always has their head on straight, who can sound reasonable even in the most unreasonable of times, and who makes you calmer just by standing in the same room as you. Whether you've known them all your life or recently met them in yoga class, there's just something about this calming companion that made you realize from the very beginning you wanted them in your life.This highly evolved, kind, caring, and soothing sidekick has a contagiously peaceful presence. Their grounding influence and nurturing heart give you a spiritual boost you don't easily find with others. The two of you share an appreciation for individual expression that makes any time a perfect time to spend together. Ommm!
My views:
Hmm.. this is quite true to some extent?? A caring friend who accepts me for who i am, and not comment on what i'm not .. Who regards everybody as different but special in their own ways.. Who is very paitient , kind and slow to anger.. I know i can find such ppl out there.. =)
Ohter events:
About my involvement in crusade.. i'm already regarding myself as not a part of them anymore.. its almost as if i view myself as a total stranger to them..well but after following my postings for so long, you guys are probably wondering when am i ever gg to leave it.. i mean.. whats all this talk abt leaving if i'm not gg to leave in the end right? haha.. well, a few of them ask me to try out crusade for a few more weeks before thinking of leaving.. hahaha.. i've already done that man.. in fact, i've started doing that since this semester started, with no results..
its like i'm practically wasting my time inside it lah..
But well, there are things i really need to settle first.. like the upcoming Poly 50.. i can't just see my dream go down just because of crusade..
Things are getting so bad.. sometimes i wonder why do i even think of stepping into the crusade room or just hanging out with those crusaders..
This made me recall the lyrics of the song freedom fighters by the Christian band P.O.D.Freedom Fighters
Today I heard what them people say
Dem want to live free greedily, with everyone to pay.
You play under the sun while others fight and dies away
but I say if you don't like it this way, then why stay? Go away
Freedom Fighters
Ignite Jah
Freedom Fighters
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Ignite Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Shine Jah
Today I heard what them people say
Them say "The Man came in and he took our choice away"
You portray selfishness and hate
While some prepare to die today
I say you fade away, appreciate life and liberate
Freedom Fighters
Ignite Jah
Freedom Fighters
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Ignite Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Shine Jah
We have the right - to live in peace
and you must fight - for what you keep
If what you keep - holds truth inside
Stand up, defend - lay down and die
We have the right to live in peace
You must fight for what you keep
If what you keep holds truth inside
Stand up, defend, or lay down and die
Freedom Fighters
Ignite Jah
Freedom Fighters
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Ignite Jah
Live free, Be free, Die free
Freedom Fighters
Live free, Be free, Die free
Shine Jah
Live free, Be free
Jah say live free
Jah say die free
Live free, Jah say die free
Live free, Jah say be free
I and I, Live free
I and I, Die free
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Stand up, defend or lay down and die
Well, to summarise this lyrics, part of these lyrics basically flashedbacked into my mind while i was rethinking my involvement in crusade..
1. You play under the sun while others fight and dies away
but I say if you don't like it this way, then why stay? Go away
2. You must fight for what you keep
If what you keep holds truth inside
Stand up, defend, or lay down and die
So basically, i'm lost over what to do.. If i don't like it this way, i should be gg away.. But, i'll be losing out in the end.. i have been posting so much about this issue in my blog.. but i don't see what good it does.. i really should take action..
Poly 50 is starting soon on the 8th of july.. Well, the news abt poly 50 broke out quite a while back.. at least a month ago, and many of my poly friends from other cca's have been training hard for it. But, my cca only broke news of the event recently.. And the worst thing besides not having sufficient time to train is.. i can forsee that MOST , if not all of the ppl gg to participate are gg to be the freshy's and leaders.. the leaders are made compulsory to attend tht event. And well, the teams are gg to be formed based on favourtism?? Well, i'm defintely sure that the leaders will be placed in groups first.. the other non-leaders will be secondary.. I mean.. this is so wrong.. But, the welfare of the leaders always seem to be first.. The others are just "liabilities" in that shrinking organisation..
Well, i wanted to join a team.. but i was removed coz they said they had sufficient ppl inside.. Well i was really pressured to make my decision to join Poly 50.. but now that i am out of the team, i have more time to rethink my decision..
I keep telling myself.. why should i go when the turnout will be so expected.. What good will it do when i wasn't informed earlier and given sufficient time to train? Why should i go when i will be second rate to the rest??
But, there's another side thts pulling hard at me.. Ever since i was in year 1 in Sp, i alays wanted to go to Poly 50.. It sounded like a big thing to me and it was like one of my "dreams"..
When i was a Crusader back then(I really don't regard myself as one now), i could see the phtograph of the Poly 50 event in which the Crusade participated in during 2004.. Back then, the Crusade strength was so good.. That pic actually "inspired" me to want to take part in that event..
But well, now.. i realised that there is more than meets the eye.. if that pic was to be taken again of Crusade, i don't think we will be seeing such a wonderful ministry that was pictured inside that old photograph.. Instead, we will just be seeing freshy's and leaders..
I keep asking myself why should i go and let myself be hurt further in that organisation.. i am so hurt by so many things inside it.. All the dissapointments just made me want to cry in silence..
But if i do not go, then it means that i am forsaking my "dream"..
WHY HAS SO MANY PPL INSIDE SPCCC CHANGED SO MUCH!! WHY ARE THEY JUST NOT THE PPL I KNEW THEM TO BE IN YEAR ONE!! WHY ARE THE WRONG MESSAGES KEPT BEING DISPLAYED TO ME!!! WHY ARE THE REST OF THE CRUSADERS BEING TREATED AS SECOND-RATE!! WHY!! WHY!! WHY!!
As long as you love me - Backstreet boys??
Although loneliness has
always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind
is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me
Every little thing that you
have said and done
Feels like it's deep within me
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run
It seems like we're meant to be
I don't care who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
What you did
As long as you love me
(I don't know)
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me (yeah)
I've tried to hide it
so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where
you're comin from
I don't care, as
long as you love me, baby
I don't care who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
What you did
As long as you love me
(as long as you love me)
Who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
(where you're from)
Don't care what you did
(yeah)
As long as you love me
(as long as you love me)
Who you are
(who you are)
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
As long as you love me
Who you are
As long as you love me
What you did
(I don't care)
As long as you love me
I'm just so dissapointed..
Well, i was searching thru blogs of my former sec sch bbss.. Going thru the various links.. And, it really SADDENED me that in the blogs of those ppl who had hurt me in some way or another during my sec sch life, they had links to thes other blogs.. Not just any other blogs, mind you.. but blogs belonging to their friends who are Christians..
And when i browse through those blogs, i see proclmations of their strong faith everywhere..
Like.. Love: Family, Jesus, School.. etc..etc.
Or.. Goals in life: To be a Christian Leader.. To excel in Studies..
Things like that..
Also, some of these blogs belong to ppl from my church.. This really dealt a crushing blow onto my spirit.. I was so upset and distressed.. I mean, they chose not to accept a Christian but accepted other Christians.. And the worse part was, i was misunderstood most of the time in my sec sch life..
But well, i'm trying so hard to pick up the pieces and basically forget.. I keep telling myself to move on.. to look for the greener pastures ahead.. But memories of my past.. those things that have left the deep emotional scar in me are never forgotten..
I have already forgiven those that have trespassed against me in some way.. But, it just hurts whenever i think back about the past.. How Christians did not even stand up for their own faith.. How they let another Christian Brother get trampled upon by the world..
--to be continued--
Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One Lyrics
Album: Gotta Get Thru This
If you're not the one
then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one
then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine
then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine
would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one
I share my life with
I don't want to run away
but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you
then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that
I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you
then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you
then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me
then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me
then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why your'e so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I dont want to run away but I can't take it, I
don't understand
If I'm not made for you
then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong
that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for
the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then
why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms
Many ppl have said that waiting is the right choice.. but i am slowly destroying myself by waiting.. i really need God to release me from these stronghold in my life.. I still have many things that i wish to do and i hope that this doesn't interfere with my pursuits.. But, i know that i many never find another similar person anymore.. I'm just so lost and stressed over what to do.. Father pls help me.. I rest everything into your loving hands.. Deliver me from these problem in my life. Help me to forget until the time is right. Tell me if she is the one..
They say.. if you love someone.. tell them.. because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken.. But, some Christian brothers that i had made frens with (all 21+ years old) have been telling me that its better to get to know the person better first before telling as the situation won't be so awkward that way.. Some said that in a Christian point of view.. no person who loves God would want to have relationships so early in life. Others have told me not to miss this opportunity as if i do, then i would have the answer the "What If?" question for the rest of my life...just because i chose to run away.. Others have given many good pieces of advice.. Some said to write down all the things i would wish to see in a special someone and then pray about it to God.. Others have gone straight to the point and asked me what are the things i like in that person.. Well, i'm not the kind of person who prefers external beauty.. I believe that its whats on the inside that counts.. Many ppl keep going around saying that they are handsome.. they are so pretty etx.. *vomits* And the worse thing is that some of these ppl are Christians!! Why would they want to go about telling ppl this?? I believe that if you are blessed with looks etc, then fine.. Be thankful and all.. But pls don't go ard boasting etc!! Also my new found Christian brothers have asked if i wanted to find just a girlfriend or a wife.. Well, obviously its not a short-term relationship but a long-term one, centered on God.. I know one thing is for sure.. I need to be paitient and wait for God to give me a sign.. Well, a Christ centered relationship has many things needed to satisfy.. And, in the bible.. it clearly describes truly what love is.. And, i am willing to satisfy all this requirements..
Hey Guys. i'm finally back from Germany!! Well, i was back on tuesday night though.. haha.. i just didn't have the time to blog it down.. Too many projects and assignments to settle.. haha..Well, i am actually getting down to write abt my trip to Paris and Germany.. Trust me, it will be an enjoyable experience reading it.!! =) I will be including quite alot of pics and movie clips.. Well, once again, i do not have the time as i am now studying like mad to prepare for my MST'S that will be coming after my study break.. I hardly studied while overseas!!
Well, to summarise my trip, i would say that Paris wasn't quite good.. its not worth visiting.. well, its becoming increasingly polluted and its ppl are becoming more reckless.. i will explain more of this some other time.. =) Well, Germany is more technologically advanced.. Also, its much better in cleaniness and hygiene!! (Two Thumbs Up!!)
But, there's one thing common about Europe, everything is expensive!! You will be shocked when i show you guys a bit of small facts about what i learnt during my trip!!
Facts & Trivia:
1. Did you know that there is NOT A SINGLE delifrance outlet in the whole of France?
Reason: Almost ever other deli in France is basically selling the same thing as what Delifrance does. Same quality too. If Delifrance was to base itself in France, i don't think it would have survived as it would have probably been more expensive due to its brand name marketing.
My views: I couldn't believe it at first, when my family's German friends told us about it. But, its so true. While in Paris, i was on the lookout for famous Paris buisness ventures such as Delifrance and Carrefour. Well, i did find Carrefour, but i did not even see a single trace of Delifrance in Paris!! I guess Delifrance was set up by groups of French buisnessmen to promote frecnch food culture.
Misleading things about it: Delifrance sometimes puts up wallpapers in its eatieries with scenes of French eating breakfast inside it and it sometimes include famous icons of Paris such as the effiel tower. This is not true but it gives us a wrong impression of what Paris is like. Also,although the main thing we rememberabout French food is bread.. thanks to Delifrance, France has only a few selections of bread!! Its Germany, its neighbour that has the worlds most numbe rof bread!! 500+ types!! Delifrance, BEAT THAT!! And France, on the other hand, has over 500+ types of cheese!! But, where are all the cheese in Delifrance?? =(
1. Did you know that the double pyramids (The big glass one that is inverted and the small wooden one) that were featured in the Da-Vinci Code Movie and said to be in the Lourve musuem are actually NOT INSIDE the musuem??
Reason: When Dan Brown wrote the Da-Vinci Code book, he distorted quite a lot of facts. A big example, he claimed that the no of glass pieces used to form the main pyramid outside the lourve musuem as 666 pieces. But, when one peson from the lourve went to count, he found 700+ pieces? Not sure the exact amout. =P But, i do know that it featured in the Straits times.
My views: During my second day in Paris, i went to the lourve musuem, but i was quite dissapointed that i couldn' find the double pyramids anywhere in the musuem. But on my 3rd day when i took a metro (the city's train) to the musuem, i stepped out of the metro and into a Virgin Megastore and guess what i saw?? The pyramids!! They were inside a shopping belt leading to the musuem!! To get to the musuem, you really need to do some walking!!
Misleading things about it: The movie has distorted much of Paris's city skyline to suit the book. Thats why, many French were very angry with Dan Brown for creating so many descrepencies regarding the streets in Paris. The streets where he wrote Sophie Neveau and Robert Langdon moving into to escape the police were all changed. In other words, you can be in a place like boon lay at one monent, and minutes later you suddenly appear in Pasir Ris! Thats why, when watching the film, you just don't see the flow when they are running away from their pursuers.
--to be continued--
Hey.. this is a photo of me taken just today for my project. Well, i don't really go to take front view shots of myself, but this is like so cool lah.. =P
Lyrics by Casting Crowns..
I feel this reflects my current state of life right now.. i'm just a flower quickly fading.. here today and gone tml.. a wave tossed in the ocean, vapor in the wind..Who Am I
by Casting Crowns
album: Casting Crowns (2003)
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Alright.. its just one more day till that spcial moment!! Yes!! The trip overseas!! I can't wait!! I've been preparing so many things while completing my e-learning and studying+ meeting up with frens etc.. Also i feel sick this week.. Its amazing how God managed my time such that i hardly wasted any moment.. With 10 days of my 3 week study break gone, i really need to do some serious mugging.. Gosh.. =(
Well, the flight over to paris is ard 17 hours long?? Or so i overheard from my parents and my bro.. i'm just too busy to keep myself informed abt such things.. Well, the plane is also gg to stop twice in Sri Lanka and Dubai for refuels etc.. Hmm.. technically, it means that i would have visited Sri Lanka and Dubai as well.. Haha.. Lets see if i can buy any souveniers from their airports.. =P i hope they except american dollars as i don't think is worth the hastle changing the currency just to buy souveniers as this 2 stopovers..
Well, the flight leaves ard evening to midnight tml.. Haven't really bothered to find out.. but, the plane would reach Paris in the morn? Thats a long time!! And, from what my younger brother said, the jet lag we will be facing will be quite alot!! Imagine 10 hrs behind our time?? So this would mean that it is supposed to be early morning in Singapore when we land, but it is just ard midnight in Paris.. I'm not really sure if i'm correct, but i think its sth like this.. I hope i'm right.. =)
Well after the 3 days in Paris, we're gg to take a night train to Germany. If you haven't already realised, the reason why we didn't fly directly to Germany was because every single flight to Germany ard this period was already booked.. The reason is so obvious.. its the World Cup Season.. We couldn't even book a train the the day as it is very packed!! Oh man!! A train at night!! What a waste of good scenery.. =(
Well, gg on this trip has some pros and cons..
Pros : As the people in Germany wish to sell a favourable german image to tourists and visitors which are coming mostly due to the World Cup hype, i feel that racism should not be rampant there.. hmm.. even the straits times had interviews of germans who were quite positive about the World Cup not only becuase it helped boost sales and generate profit but also because it gave a chance for Germany to let the World take home a favourable image of Germany.. Well, the last Olympics that Germany hosted did not go quite well due to the terrorist attack that took place by a palestinian grop called Black September? In which 11 israeli athelets were murdered? Hmm.. Not really sure about the details but this is what i got from reading th Straits times a few weeks back.. Reading the newspapers regularly pays off.. =)
Okay.. i'm not gg to go in depth into what i'm gg to do during my trip as i don't wish you guys to get envious or anything.. Basically, i wasn't too keen on this trip but as my mum had booked the tickets without first asking me i chose to go as i was reluctant to forfiet the deposits that my parents had payed.. My mum was also quite supportive with the option of me staying behind in Singapre to catch up on my studies but i stood firm.. Even if i had to sacrifice 10 days of my studies, i would rather study harder before and after my trip than to waste the money gg there.. Also, i didn't see why my brother could enjoy gg to such nice places at such a young age and i could not.. sibling rivalry is at definitely work here.. =P
But well, i can't really see how i am able to study while being on the trip.. I mean who in the right mind would want to waste time in this kind of trip studying away when they could have been gg to some tourist attraction and having fun? Haha.. thats sort of my thinking.. I mean, every single hour spent during the trip is precious.. =) That would also mean sacrificing sleep just to be up early to visit the tourist attractions asap.. Well, i've already prepared all my lecture slides, practicals and tutorials in my laptop for the trip. All, all i need is self-control to actually devote some time to study.. Hey, i have an electronic bible installed in my laptop too!! Cool.. i can do "quiet time" during this trip!! Hmm.. apart from the long plane flights, i don't see how i can actually devote enough time to study..
Haixx.. i stil have quite a bit of projects that are nearing their deadlines.. but i know that i should not worry.. for the Lord will provide constantly for me.. I need to draw strength from him and work according to him.. =)
Well, i will definitely miss Singapore.. sigh.. and that camp in Crusade.. sigh..
-- to be continued--
Well, yupz.. like my posting title states.. i'm gg overseas real soon.. 2 more days!! Friday morn i'm gg already.. Wow.. talk abt time passing so fast.. But, i did manage my time wisely.. Hey i have to!! 10 days of study have been erased from my 3 week term break!! Arrgghhh!!
Here's an overview of what's to happen after my term break:
- Assignments to submit..
- MST's to undertake..
- More sch once again..
But, that does not mean that my time is always spent on all work and no play..
DISCLAIMER 1: The postings below are quite controversial and the writer is not claiming that they are 100% correct , unbiased and properly researched. The writer does not wish to be held responsible in any way for the postings that follow.. As such, pls take note that you are reading at your own risk. This postings are not meant to stumble any one in faith or used as debatable topics to challenge authority but are just meant by the writer to be a recollection of the things he has experienced. ( Please note that the writer does not have a habit of editing/deleting postings that he has written in the past..)
Well, i've been trying to find out lately about the Crusade system.. or what i wish to call it as.. i'm no sure what name u guys call it.. but, it always has the usual passing down of leadership or sth.. And i found out that many things were not really good..
Hey, i may not give an expert or unbiased opinion on certain matters in Crusade, but, here's things as i see it.. and well, its up for the individual to decide for himself whats right and whats wrong.. Basically, i'm practising my freedom of speech.. Controversial or not, it does not matter..This is my blog man.. not some forum or yahoo grps..
1 - A Crusade told me that being too active or involved Crusade acually affected many Crusader's studies..
I wasn't too sure abt it, so i went out to investigate.. (To all Crusaders pls take note that even if i don't join the crowds etc.. i do know quite a bit abt whats gg on in this ministry.. things that even the leaders don't really notice.. i'm not blind you know..) Enough said. i shall now present my findings..
Results:
Its true.. Many Crusaders put Crusade first over their school work and studies.. It doesn't take an idiot to know that they are always busy rushing assignments or doing work long hours after school.. just try to observe abit here and there, and you'll get what i mean..
I mean.. lets take lets take the e-learning week as an example.. Who puts off e-learning till the 3rd or 4th day just because of Crusade work?? This is crazy man.. There HAS got o be a fine line between Cusade and your academic life.. basically, your whole future.. And, why do "Crusaders" who are supposed to be good living testimonies to all others saying so openly that e-learning is stupid.. Something is definitely very wrong here..
Arguments:
If you feel like proving me wrong here, by all means, go ahead.. Cause, if any one claims that this is wrong, then i suppose its also alright for us just to go the current freshies in Crusade and encourage them to skip lessons?
2 - More Crusaders are starting to feel very left out in Crusade..
Well, basically, even if i were accepted in Crusade, this question will still make its way into this posting sooner or later.. You just can't escape from the truth, even though it hurts.. And well, i did share my feelings to a few Crusaders whom were not leaders.. (they will definitely understand me better.. i don't like biased views from leaders..) And this is what i found out..
Results:
The answer is yes.. Many Crusaders do feel left out.. Even if they are approached to join the main grp in Crusade, i don't think it helps at all.. You see, the problem is that there's really nth much to talk abt at all!!
Just imagine how you would feel if you were asked to join the main grp and everyone goes laughing away and joking around and you feel that you are hardly apart of them..
Also, many of those hardly know those active Crusaders anymore!! (When i say know a person, i don't mean knowing him only an aquaintance..) I mean knowing him /her enough that they can be considered friends.. You know what i mean..
Once, i was quite okay with my batch of Crusaders. but gradually, i just faded away as just another member in Crusade.. Striking a conversation with the leaders doesn't help as its so evident that i now hardly know them at all!!
Arguments:
Once again, it takes a non-leader to understand how we feel.. Leaders may try to say that all this are false accusations, but please.. i've seen how close knit you guys are.. and its inevitable that you guys will become closer to each other..
3 - Leadership is not based on the persons skills but a persons relationship with God and how he interacts with ppl..
Well, when i first heard this, i wasn;t quite redy to accept it.. I kept telling myself that Leadership in Crusade was different from other CCA'S as its leaders were chosen by God etc.. But in the end, i found out something quite controversial.. i may not chose to support this either, but i need to present both sides of the argument..
Results:
How many times have the "popular" Crusader leaders been recommending ppl to serve in the ministry? This is likely to be a trap that the Crusade is following But sadly, i feel its still happening in Crusade.. But the thing is, the "popular" Crusaders recommendations are.. you guessed it.. those who keep hugging close to them and have shown themselves to be capable in someway.. Well, after doing the simple tasks assigned to them, yet again they prove themselves to be more capable and are given more tasks.. etc.. and this goes on.. but, think abt it.. isn't politics at work here??
Leaders are supposed to be chosen by God not by politics.. Also, what if those Crusaders do no like a certain person for whatever reason, even though he/she is capable enough.. Won't they be filtering and become biased?? When the Crusader's, as freshmen, attend all its activites regularly and also help out int he 25th hour annual camp, what is in their minds? Maybe they really wish to work for God.. But somehow or another, ppl up there will be busy choosing leaders based on this camp!! Although i was "challenged" (i don't like this word at all in Crusade.. it sounds so fake.. actually its just asking a person to take a certain role..you see, if there were only 10 freshmen in Crusade and there were like exactly 10 positions to be filled, then the word challenge is basically asking them to fill this roles..and if they refuse in some way or another, then we would most probably ask why and say its god's calling to serve in the ministry etc. but the fact is, aren't we just wanting those positions filled??) to be part of the 25th hr camp commitee, i did not do so as i felt that my reasons for being in tht committee wasn't right.. but who knew that being in the 25th hr camp committee was actually a good way to show how capable you are etc? And even if u don't accept a role in Crusade, when ppl ask you to recommend a person to take over, would we actually choose based on their relation with God? Or do we look into how close those ppl are to us and their skill? Hey, it does not mean that you are ultra good in prayer than you will be tops.. Its about your willingness to learn even if you may not be the best!!
Also, what if a person just chooses to put up a false front while attending Crusade just so that he/she can secure a place in leadership?? Won't he be faking his/her relationship with God? Christian like is supposed to be full of tribulations.. I don't think its normal if a person is always good with his relation with God etc.. Also, its also bad if the Crusaders keep lamenting about how stressed they are etc.. no time to do this.. no time to do that.. in frnt of ppl.. i mean this things will surely happen once you choose to serve.. We all had a choice, even though i feel it isn't much.. and well, there isn't much pressure for a person to serve in Crusade.. unless, the "challenged" to serve part in Crusade is actually quite forceful.. which i don't think it is.. But, with no freshy's willing to serve, Crusade will be nth.. Correct me if i;m wrong, but the freshys are already being "observed" to see who will be leaders in the future.. Actually, i feel that most of them will become leaders.. thts beause this year's batch of freshys aren't really alot.. well, its good that way.. they will never feel left out in Crusade..
Ok, this part of my posting might seem a bit far fetched. but i still have 2 stands to this issue even after pondering for quite some time.. i haven't come to a conclusion yet so don't come tlking to me abt this.. i can't give an ans..
Argument 1:
Well, not only through this camp, but there are many things the leaders have done that have won them praise from other Crusaders.. And, this will only add more prove that they are capable for their roles etc..But, like the question had said.. In Crusade, leadership was never meant to be chosen based on a person's skill.. It never meant that if are a better, more powerful evangelist etc than you are fit for bigger roles.. But, if this is the case, then why are so many Crusader's stereotyping and keep having this wrong mindset?? Or is it really true that he leadership is chosen based on a person's skill? Well, does leadership corrupt? I hope not..
Arguments 2:
But however, the Crusaders have nth to gain as a leader.. only more stress and less time to socialse or have a normal poly life. They need to tackle both Crusade and Sch work.. Thats a BIG commitment.. Also, the Leaders will not take home any CCA points AT ALL during their time serving.. f this was so, their time could have been spent elsewhere in other CCA'S where their futures would be brighter.. But,they choose to sacrifice everything to follow God's command and do his work.. So its only natural that they draw closer to each other as they endure hardships etc together as one..
4 - Crusade focuses too much on evangelism and too little in the building part of the "Win, Build Send" motto in Crusade..
Well, honestly speaking i feel that this is also quite impt..
Results:
Crusade might be seen as an Organisation that is meant to win souls for Christ.. But the one question is.. Just how effective is it? Hmm.. now thts something to ponder abt.. Well, lets take a look at what Crusade is currently doing in evangelism.. Lets see.. we are always open to Crusaders bringing frens to Crusade.. Hmm.. we have a weekly Campus Life Meeting where frens are also invited to come.. We have prayers every week and we also have harvest days.. Not to mention the rare street evangelism events..
But, lets take a step back from all this events and sidetrack a little.. Bringing frens to Crusade, whether its through Crusade events or the Campus Life meeting.. Just how effective is it.. Well, for non-Christians, its generally uneffective.. Why? Cause during such events, yes.. we go about introducing ouselves to them etc..
But do we actually make an effort to make the feel welcome in our ministry?? If we were that warm, why are Crusaders dropping out of Crusade bcuase they do not feel welcome.. Ok, maybe not all drop out based on this reason, but do we, as Crusaders even bother to find out why they wish to leave Crusade? Or do we just continue in Crusade as if nothing has happened.. Or, worse still, we are only concerned if those ppl who left are our contacts or are close to us.. If it were another Crusader's fren, we would just close one eye..
Hey ppl.. WAKE UP.. An opportunity for a soul to be saved from enternal death, and you ppl just missed it!! This is something you ppl shld be concerned abt!! Not just some stupid bonding with each other and forgetting abt the welfare of other Brothers and Sisters..
Ok.. harvest day and street evangelism.. A good move to win souls for Christ? Or a total waste of time? Well, first lets ans this question.. How many Crusaders actually follow-up with the ppl they evangelise with? I know i hardly do.. and my follow-up slips are just stashed into my bag and forgotten.. Well.. yes.. i have seen Crusaders who actually follow-up with their contacts.. but the rest? Are we given training on how to follow-up in the first place? Its always evangelism this.. evagelism that. its what Crusade is all abt yeah? That motto that Crusade adopted for all its ministries internationally.. "So tht every student knows someone who truly follows Jesus.."
Well, Evangelising is one thing.. Following up and building up the person is another.. Or else, we will be creating backslidders and we are back to sqaure one.. no.. we are even worse form where we started.. that person who backslidded now does not wish to hear anymore abt the Gosepl.. But , like what my pastor said, which i strongly agree.. is that the 4sl's that the Crusade has been using is flawed.. Yes, we can win ppl to Christ.. But how many backslidders do we create also? In Crusade, we are always presented with numbers.. They may look good, but negative figures are not publicised.. The 4sl's basically has one big flaw that the person who talked abt hell's best kept secret was referring to.. That when we evangelsie,, we keep telling the pre-believer abt the amazing pan tht God has and all the good stuff that they will get onc ethey recieve Jesus Christ.. But, they don't tell abt the tribulations ppl will face once becoming a Christian.. So , wehn trouble comes, they will flee..
Arguments:
Obviously, if you are in a close knit grp in Crusade, its hard to actually realise that Crusade is falling apart slowly in attendance.. Being in our own comfort zone makes you soft.. So basically, only a non active can give a more unbiased view of things in Crusade.. ths bcoz he/she knows the reason why he/she isn't active in Crusade.. But, i have had a friend who did actually leave becoz he didn' feel warm in Crusade.. As for the 4sl issue, i think its best to check out hell's best kept secret on the web and decide for yourself..
Well, like i have said.. its all up to the reader to decide fact from fiction.. the truth can only be found out there.. so well, you just have to be observant and you'll know fact from fiction.. (Hey, i'm starting to sound like Dan Brown when he wrote the Davi-Ci Code..) Is that good or bad? =(
DISCLAIMER 2: The postings above have been quite controversial and the writer is not claiming that they are 100% correct , unbiased and properly researched. As you have read them at your own risk, pls take note that the writer does not wish to be held responsible in any way for the postings written.. This postings were never meant to stumble anyone in faith or used as debatable topics to challenge authority but are just meant by the writer to be a recollection of the things he has experienced. (Please note that the writer does not have a habit of editing/deleting postings that he has written in the past..)
Hey guys.. today was an amazing day!! Well, i was with my church.. Church of Singapore (Bkt Timah) and we went to the national stadium, (the outdoor one) to help pack the event goodie bags for the ----> GLOBAL DAY OF PRAYER.. During CLM..when i was still trying to talk to those beside me even though the crusaders have quietened down.. and some of those leaders beside me will ask me to quieten down.. by saying.. "shhhh..." What i can't accept ----> But, i have seen instances when the leaders themselves keep talking during CLM.. and, who asks them to keep quiet?? No one!! I DON'T EVEN DARE to ask them to quieten down!! Its almost as if its their right to do so.. Why?? I'm starting to feel that i'm in a much lower position than them!! I feel that I'm just back to being just another Christian who can choose to come or not for Crusade.. Back to square one when i started off as a Crusader in year 1.. The leaders are still continually always being praised and encouraged for their leadership qualities.. etc.. and the rest us are forgotten.. Isn't this normal for us.. How many Crusaders that weren't too active have been taken out of the picture? Is it their fault that they weren't too active? Maybe its because they do not need to be so active because they do not have leadership roles? But when they do come back, suddenly it just seems that they will be left out.. I don't mind tolerating this unhealthy cliques for a while longer.. i HATE it when the Crusade has to suffer because of this cliques!!
Well, to cut a long story short, we basically went about putting all the cookies.. event booklets.. water bottles and the diff country flags into the event plastic bags..
Alright.. well.. its sad to say.. but during the whole day.. i still kept thinking of that person.. it just won't stop!!
Ok, lets sidetrack a little.. The Global Day Of Prayer saw a large attendance turning out.. the biggest for a christian event ever since the festival of praise last year..
Well, as my church made their way back from the macdonald's near-by, where we were all resting after a hard days work packing the goody bags, we saw huge crowds entering the stadium.. I was so touched when i saw our bags being taken by others.. Our efforts had clearly made a very big impact in helping make the event a success..
And when my Church's youth group made their way to seat, i could see the tamil section near-by.. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of Christian Indian's turning up for the event.. I was very touched by how God's grace has even managed to reach the other races , so much that i almost went into tears..
Well, during the event, my heart just wasn't giving its all the God.. I kept looking around at the Christians entering the stadium to see if i knew any of them.. I just kept looking around aimlessly during worship even though my mind screamed at me to have focus on God alone..
It can be so hard to place God at the number 1 in my life.. When i decided to go packing to event bags with my church, i certainly did not do it for the correct reasons.. I kept thinking that since there would be Christians from other Churches present to help in the packing, i could mingle with them and make friends.. I know its totally wrong, and i regret having such a reason for going to help pack the bags..
Whenever ppl talk to me or are around me, they do not realise that deep down inside me, i'm having a huge struggle in my life.. There are many times where i feel like giving up.. Where i just feel that its pointless to move on and its best to let go.. i feel that this is my way of escaping from problems that i cannot solve..
During the Global Day Of Prayer, as we were praying for many things found inside the given booklets, i found thst many of the prayers were quite relevant and really reflected my current state of life..
We confessed on many things.. and some of these are just what i am truly facing..
1. Sin of Self Conceit..
2.Sin of Pride..
3.Sin of Ingratitude..
4.Sin of prejudice..
5.Sin of injustice..
6.Sin of carnality..
7..Sin of Immorality..
I'm sorry God.. Many times i just did not wish to accept that thse are Sins and i just kept continuing them, till it hurt others.. Pls forgive me..
06/06/06
Also, i'm starting to fall sick once again.. My cough is coming back and its very bad.. I will keep coughing and my throat hurts very badly..Also, i am having the flu..keep snezzing and can u belive that you can actually sneeze blood? amazing..The weird thing was that my sickness became its worst on 06/06/06.. hmm a coincidence? or am i just being too superstitious.. anyways, no connection..hmm.. Remember my past postings last semester when i talked about how i fell sick? Its exactly the symptoms.. Well, everytime i step out of the house, i will just feel so depressed..(this has nth to do with my sickness..) like why am i still carrying on my daily activities.. I will walk out with a heavy heart..with no direction.. At times, i will just go to one corner away from the crowds and sigh.. I'm just suffering in silence.. I really hope someone can help me through this difficult time..
I'm just wondering how i can be well enough to go on my trip overseas, when i'm still suffering inside.. Its just a few more days before i'll be away.. I'll be missing lots of things during those ten days.. Camps.. Church.. Projects.. Studies.. etc.. etc..
But, the one thing that i regret not being able to make it to is my Campus Crusade camp during the 14th and 15th.. I'm already a fading presence in Crusade.. Will i fade out from Crusade even more? Will the leaders continue to be closer to the freshmen and ultimately form even more cliques? Will all my efforts in trying to draw every single Crusader together as one body in christ be wasted??
It just seems that way.. Its inevitable that the leaders will continue to be closer to each other.. And what will become of Crusaders like me, who have tried so hard to socialise and keep the Crusade united??
Are we just treated as liabilities??
Why do some of the leaders keep displaying these messages to us subconciously everytime we are attending Crusade activities?
Don't they know thatwhat they are doing hurts? Isn't it about time that they realised it already??
But, does the Crusade as a whole want history to repeat itself again, where all the freshy's will just keep hugging to the "popular" Crusaders, and forget totally about the rest?
Will Crusade become a ministry that has the majority of its members leaders alone?
I mean.. all the things i have worked for.. its all beggining to fade away.. We need more ppl who choose to have intentional loving in Crusade..
Are the leaders just planning activites for themselves??
I am so confused.. I am so hurt everytime i am with the Crusade nowadays.. Many times i keep telling myself to leave the Crusade, but i realised that it was mostly because i wanted to escape from these problems that i am facing.. Honestly, i just do not know what to do!!
Abba father.. pls direct me in the way you choose best.. I am but your humble servant.. Pls guide me through these difficult times and deliver me from the troubles plaguing my life.. Grant me freedom as a Christian, that i will not continue to serve many masters, but you alone.. Help me place my trust in you, and not people and other worldy things.. Lead me as you know best.. Amen..
Guys.. if you have anything to say abt my postings, do tag it.. it would be great if i can keep track of who has read this posting and also give me a chance to follow up with you.. =) thx!!
..to be continued..
Recently, things have taken a turn in my life.. Even though i have now decided not to be active in Crusade anymore, it was not a decision that i think i will live to regret.. Well, at the beggining, i thought my faith would most likely be compromised and it was likely i could stumble..
But it turned out that the opposite happened.. I drew even more strength from God and i started relying on him more than just the usual "advice" that i would take from the Crusaders.. I let God lead my actions, my thoughts.. my life.. I even realised my purpose in life as a Christian betterm when i found more free time to build up friendships with my coursemates leading to the sharing of the Gospel..
Some have even expressed interest in receving Christ!! All these could not have been done if God had not been there for me!! Well, i feel that i am also becomingmore ncouraging to all my DIT Christian coursemates.. Just a few months back, i felt that my course had lost all hope of salvation.. The Christians in m course were all facing burnout and were far too stressed and busy to even try sharing the gospel..Many of us started following our other coursemates and soon the message we were sent by God to spread was totally lost..
I almost lost all hope when none of the Crusaders from our DIT course made it as ST'S or SM'S.. i kept having the feeling that my DIT coursemates were doomed.. There wasn't a Christian in my course that was taking the first steps in evangelising, something that i haven't been doing for a long time the past 2 sems..
And well, we all needed a Christian that dared to boldly spread the word to our coursemates.. Someone whom which we could all be encouraged by and hopefully follow by example.. Someone who could help start a movement in our course.. and tell the world about the greatest love that anyone could ever know..
I never realised hat i would be the one to start the movement.. i can see the results happening now. A few Christians in my course who were not active in their churches have now joined cellgrps after i talked to them abt their purpose as Christians, and i'm so happy to say that they are becoming more active in their church, even gg for bible studies organised by their church..
Their actions are also following God.. They are also learning to trust God more!! Praise the Lord..
Before, it might have seemed very taboo to spread the gospel to our friends, but now, i think more of us are unafraid to do so.. Even the attitudes of many Christian coursemates towards life have changed drastically!! No longer are they following the world blindly, but they are now having their own stand!! They are also ever-ready to defend the gospel!!! ITS AMAZING WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE in my course!! And all it took was to have faith and keep trusting in him!!
Well, i'm now thinking of taking more bold steps.. I am now thinking of doing what might have seemed wishful thinking 2 semesters ago, when i first started poly.. Regular prayers for our couse mates, and ------> bible study grps.. Ok, it may still not be possible now, but, you never know what God is gg to do for our course.. He has made me unafraid to speak boldly about his name to my coursmates.. and, i'm sure he can do even more!!
On a more serious note, lately, i have been soucing out other Crusader's blogs online.. Well, i'm not referring to those Crusaders who have blogs that are constantly updated.. I'm referring to those Crusaders who have blogs all over the web.. Some of their blogs only contain a posting or two.. and then, they are left to collect dust.. Yes, i have been searching around constantly and i am totally SHOCKED when i read all the postings.. I have never realised how much hurt or pain tha they may have gone through, but do not show when we see each other in the crusade room or during crusade events.. I have found many of such blogs and after reading their postings, i am beggining to understand them much better now.. Well, if any of you ppl are reading my posting right now, pls don't go to your blogs and delete your postings immediately.. thats not the point!! It won't solve anything!! You guys created your short entires in those blogs for purpose right? Well, i think its great if our personal hurts get shared with everyone and not letting them bottled up and tightly sealed.. Remember, we are always here as a united family.. brothers and sisters in Christ.. Amen.. =)
Well, i really hope that you guys will share more.. not that i'm curious or whatsoever, but i feel that it helps as a form of release.. It works very well for me.. Remember that you guys do not need to suffer alone.. We're there to encourage each other.. =)